Thursday, August 28, 2008

Pitty Party

I am having my own pitty party today because the bf of three plus years broke up with me this morning. He said that we have been talking about getting married for a little over a year, have gone to look at wedding rings, and he cannot seem to want to buy one. So, even though he supposedly wants to marry me and supposedly loves me, he doesn't know what it holding him back and therefore is letting me go because it isn't far that we keep dating.

I am very disappointed in him and the situation. I think that he is selfish. I think that he is selfish by not taking a leap of faith in himself, in me, in our relationship. I think he is selfish for making this decision by himself and not talking with me about it. I think that he is selfish in the fact that he doesn't want to get married because that requires a lot of sacrifices that he obviously is not ready to make.

I know that it sounds like I don't love him and that he is not the right guy for me (and maybe he isn't), but you cannot help who you love. And even though he is all of these things, I still love him. And I still think that it can work, but I don't want to be in a relationship when someone is not giving it their all. I don't want someone to love me because they feel like they have too. Plus, this is my pitty party, I can say all the mean things I like.

The hardest thing is that I wasn't prepared for this AT ALL. I had no idea that things weren't happening as we had been talking about. I am completely shocked. I am an emotional wreck. I am pissed off. And I am sad. I know that marriage is a BIG step, but I am ready to get married and start a family.



Strange Bird said...

Actually I don't think anything you wrote seemed mean or like you don't love him. What you wrote is actually quite generous. I'm in about the same position with my boyfriend (together for almost three years, talking about getting married and looking at wedding rings), and if he broke up with me now, without any warning, I don't know that I wouldn't kill him by tomorrow, and I'd say a lot more mean things before then.

In any event, I'm sorry :(. He should have given you some kind of head's up that he was thinking these things. It's not a decision that you can insist that people make together, but it's not something that should come as a surprise to people in long-term relationships.

Crystal said...

I'm so sorry to hear that. I've been through something similar and it is so hard to deal with. Hang in there, it's going to get better. One day he'll realize you were the best thing that ever happened to him and he'll regret breaking up with you. Maybe then you will take him back, or maybe you will have moved on to someone who appreciates you and is ready for the same things you are. Either way, you are going to be okay. From what I've read, you are a strong, ambitious, and intelligent woman and although it is hard right now, you will get through this. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I have been through a similar situation myself. I know how awful it feels to be mad and still in love at the same time. You just can't just stop loving someone because they broke your heart. It just doesn't work like that.

All I can suggest is that you feel your feelings. Angry, sad, whatever. If you feel like crying, cry. Holding it in is not good. I also find that during times like these, journaling (pen and paper) really helps me figure things out.

Like Crystal said, you're strong. You'll make it through this. Try to remember, "This too shall pass."

Brooklyn said...

I can feel the pain and disappointment all over again like it was yesterday when this happend to me. I was ready to get married and had no idea the ex was not on board, no clues. He was my first love, we were together 4 years broke up for 9 years then back together for another year.

Then came the 'boys' weekend with the newly single boy and next thing you know Im an afterthought. He wouldnt even talk to me. I died inside, literally. I got it together eventually and now 2 years later, he BEGS me to marry him. And I laugh. Stupid idiot. The grass is never greener! Im sorry....try to keep busy. Do the "eat your heart out plan"...excersize, buy some new clothes, get your hair cut, take a something for you.